+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ =3. CHEMISTRY C__________________________________________________________________________ From: "Earl L. Smith" S.I. Prefixes for molecules 10-3 m millimole 10-6 µ micromole 10-9 n nanomole 10-12 p picomole 10-15 f femtomole 10-18 a attomole 10-21 z zeptomole 10-24 g guacamole Note: 1 gmole represents 0.6 molecules. :-) Daniel Boismenu, CNE News 27 Jan. 1997, p. 72 C__________________________________________________________________________ From: xxxxx@concentric.net The politically-aware chemistry student protested by carrying a picket sign that stated: "Free Radicals Now!" From: charlie (charlie@tuna.net) I'm positive that a free electron once stripped me of an electron after he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them From: Soby1 (soby1@msn.fullfeed.com) It could be just a quark of his nature... Or perhaps he's just seeking a reaction. Chemists do like to mix it up. From: Matt Swanson It's good to keep a positive attitude and not have an electron cloud hanging over your head. From: fc3a501@GEO.math.uni-hamburg.de (Hauke Reddmann) Did your hear about the chemist who had to visit the urologist because of a screw dislocation? C__________________________________________________________________________ Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium and just couldn't put it down? C__________________________________________________________________________ From: mini-AIR June 97 1997-06-11 Love and Organic Chemistry Science and love are inseparable. That is the theme of the AIR Campaign for Textbook Improvement ("AIRCTI -- pronounced "AIR kitty"). AIRCTI aims to warm the cold, emotionless textbooks of today by adding to each a love interest. Investigator Charles N. Horton has synthesized a love interest for the textbook "Organic Chemistry," 4th Edition, by John McMurry (Brooks/Cole Publishing Company, Boston, 1996). Horton mixed in the romance of a couple named Dan and Melissa. Here are relevant, abstracted snippets from the revised textbook: .. CHAPTER 5: AN OVERVIEW OF ORGANIC REACTIONS Dan was shopping for some organic bean sprouts when he bumped into Melissa. "Oh! You like organic stuff too?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "and I know this great organic cafe..." .. CHAPTER 11: REACTIONS OF ALKYL HALIDES: NUCLEOPHILIC SUBSTITUTIONS AND ELIMINATIONS "Oh no," thought Dan. She already has a boyfriend. I must substitute myself for him! But how? And then a light came on in his mind. "I can eliminate him using an alkyl halide nucleophile!" .. CHAPTER 30: THE ORGANIC CHEMISTRY OF METABOLIC PATHWAYS And so, they lived happily ever after on the pathway of love... C__________________________________________________________________________ From: ejones@hooked.net (Earle Jones) What do you get if you react Calcium with Nitric Acid? Answer: Sodium Carbonate and Hydrogen 2Ca + 2HNO3 => 2NaCO3 + H2 Check to see if it balances. C__________________________________________________________________________ THE CHEMIST'S RECIPIE FOR CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES The following recipie for chocolate chip cookies recently appeared in Chemical & Engineering News (C&EN, Jun 19, 1995, p. 100). It was attributed to Jeannene Ackerman of Witco Corp. Ingredients: 1. 532.35 cm3 gluten 2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3 3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite 4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride 5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11 6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11 7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde 8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avain albumen-coated protien 9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao 10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10) To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat-transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr add one, two, and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm add four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous. To reactor #2 add eight followed by three equal portions of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add nine and ten slowly with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25 deg. C heat-transfer table allowing the product to come to equilibrium. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: Rocky and Mugsy The best chemists would definitely not be pet owners. Their idea of a catalyst: 2 bags of cat litter 3 cans of cat food 1 can of flea powder 1 collar C__________________________________________________________________________ Acid -- better living through chemistry. C__________________________________________________________________________ All theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists know it. -- Richard P. Feynman CP_________________________________________________________________________ Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist! C__________________________________________________________________________ methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and C__________________________________________________________________________ Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -- Mike Adams C__________________________________________________________________________ Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: tphillips@biosci.mbp.missouri.edu (Thomas E. Phillips) Q:How many atoms in a guacamole? A:Avocado's number. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: ericd@jubal.mdli.com (Eric Desch) Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate! C__________________________________________________________________________ From: Chris Morton (mortoncp@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu) do it collection Chemical engineers do it in packed beds. Chemists do it in test tubes. Chemists do it in the fume hood. Chemists do it periodically on table. Chemists do it reactively. Chemists like to experiment. Electrochemists have greater potential. From: skreyn@netcom.com (Veggie Boy = Sean K Reynolds) Polymer chemists do it in chains. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: CLD@msc.com PhD | / \ | | \ / | PhD Para - Doc's (can draw ortho - doc's as well) HiHoAg hi ho silver!!! From: dan.arico@wdn.com (Dan Arico) CH3- _ _ _ _ - CH3 / \/ \/ \/ \ | | | | | \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ / \ / \ / \ / \ | | | | | CH3- \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/- CH3 Tetramethylchickenwire From: bkd@christa.unh.edu (Brian K Dann) o o o H3C-CH2-CH2-O-/|\/|\/|\ | | | / \/ \/ \ A propyl people ether! From: dan.arico@wdn.com (Dan Arico) Fe - Fe / \ Fe Fe \ / Fe - Fe Ferrous Wheel From: sppp@hippo.ru.ac.za (Peter Piacenza) PhD | PhD / \ / | O | \ / Orthodox (ortho - Doc's) -------- MD I / \ | O | Metaphysicians \ /\ -------------- MD O O ---I---I-----O-C3H7 Propylpeople ether I I ------------------ /\ /\ / \ \ 4 | / \ | O |__4 \ / Metaphor (meta - 4) From: nuke@netcom.com (Bill Newcomb) O-R-NMe2 | | / \ /\ / \/ \ I O a 1-I-1-ORN-flying-propyl people ether | (*stolen from A. Shusterman, with enhancements) --|-- | / \ C__________________________________________________________________________ From: a481@mindlink.bc.ca (J.D. Frazer) What is this: NaCl(aq) NaCl(aq) C C C C C C C Answer: (In a sing-song voice) "Saline, saline, over the seven C's" From: Colin_Douthwaite@equinox.gen.nz (Colin Douthwaite) /|\\ / | \\ / | \\ || | | || | | || / \ | \/ \// \ // \ // or ,o*^|*`?. ,8 | ? 8 | 8 8 / \ 8 `8 / \ d `?._ _.o' | -root@rivendel.com- ====== / \ / \ \\ // \\____// mercedes benzine?? C__________________________________________________________________________ From: Martin ___ ___ // \\ Pyrole // \\ Azole \ O / \ N / ___ ___ // \\ Thiole // \\ Arsole \ S / \ As / C__________________________________________________________________________ Ma \ / C=C / \ Pa trans-parent C__________________________________________________________________________ From: johnmark@leland.stanford.edu (jmj) What is the name of this molecule: bunny-O-bunny A:"ether bunny" C__________________________________________________________________________ From: tomm@netcom.com (Tom Murray) chemical formula: HIJKLMNO What is it? It's the formula for water. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: KGNJ65A@prodigy.com (Ed Strnad) What's the formula for water? -H-two-O What's the formula for an ice cube? -H-two-O-CUBED C__________________________________________________________________________ From: eridani@scn.org (Martha K. Koester) Chemical formulas: (NH2CONH2)2 = diurea C__________________________________________________________________________ From: Raymond W Jensen Q: What is this molecule: H3NCONH3? (Numbers are meant to be subscripts) A: Urea. Q: What is this molecule: H3NCONH2-H2NCONH3? A: Diurea. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: jay.freedman@pacsibm.org (Jay Freedman) These were printed on bumper stickers and given out at an American Chemical Society meeting 10 or 12 years ago: It takes alkynes to make a world. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: jay.freedman@pacsibm.org (Jay Freedman) Old chemists never die, they just fail to react. From: bill.considine@execnet.com (BILL CONSIDINE) DeLuxe 1.1 #9385 Old chemists never die they just reach equilibrium From: wmaya@csupomona.edu (Walter Maya) Old chemists never die, they just smell that way. From: Tim.Nelson@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just) OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes C__________________________________________________________________________ From: bgnosis@isca.uiowa.edu (Billy Gnosis) What do you get when you cross buckminsterfullerene, helicase, and ATP? Screwballs." ___________________________________________________________________________ From: Jason In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch: Limbaughium Lb The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons. Billclintium Bc With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water. Canadium Eh Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron. Newtium Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply. Quaylium Vp Einsteinium it ain't. Budweisium Ps Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water. Cabmium Cb Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it. Politicium Po Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House. Congress Cg Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution. Snot Sn Bonds forever with corduroy. From: Blandford Goldsmitium Rf Trace amounts found all over country, but not in Europe. Toxic. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: lozinski@csugrad.cs.vt.edu (Joe Cool), Bobby H Man - A Chemical Analysis Element : Man Symbol : Ah (short for Arsehole) Atomic Mass : Accepted as 70. May vary from 50-150 kg. : Highly reactive at 150 or higher. (avoid at all costs) Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in length, though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches. Discoverer : Eve Occurance : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. Physical properties : 1) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol). 2) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore ... zzzzz). 3) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. 4) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. 5) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo commom ore. 6) Tarnishes easily. Needs constant polishing and attention 7) Crusty exterior but may be soft underneath. 8) Naturally found in the crude state but may be purified 9) Simple in structure. 10)Often found in the gaseous state. 11)Spontaneous polarity changes relative to surrounding specimens. Chemical properties : 1) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. 2) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. 3) Usually willing to react with what ever is available. 4) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existant to Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red. 5) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody. 6) Great affinity for fatty substances. 7) May react violently under pressure. 8) Low boiling point, high melting point. 9) Attraction to large quantities of iron. 10)Poorly bonds with other substances. 11)Pure substances are rarely found except when covalently bonded. Storage : Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style. Uses : Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, general repairs, free dinners for Wo... Tests : 1) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths. 2) Appearance greatly improves when placed in a sports car. 3) Easily titrates to yellow under stress. 4) Never true blue. Caution : Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions. Woman - A Chemical Analysis Element : Woman Symbol : WO Atomic Weight : Accepted as 59, but known to vary 50-88. Discoverer : Adam Occurance : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slighlty lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations. Physical Properties 1) Surface usually covered with sticks painted film. 2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason. 3) Melts if given special treatment. 4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care! 5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore. 6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points. 7) Undergoes inpredicatable spontaneous dehydrolyses (weeps). Chemical Properties : 1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many of the Precious Stones. 2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates. 4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point. 5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense. 6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man. Uses : Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. Can greatly improve relaxation levels. Can warm and comfort under some circumstances. Can cool things down when it's too hot. Tests : Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. Caution : 1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling. 2) Illegal to possess more than one. C__________________________________________________________________________ There is the joke about the homeopath who forgot to take his medicine and died of an overdose. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: peabody@wam.umd.edu (Doctor Soran) Go skiing in Tellurium, Colorado Stanley Cupric's "Full Metal Jacket" The Uranium Songs: "I Get a Kick out of U" (Cole Porter) "I Can't Stay Away from U" (Gloria Estefan) Movie: "I Was a Teenage Werewolfram" Miscellaneus: The Baltic states of Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania along with the Cobaltic States of Germany, Poland, Sweden, and Finland June 6, 1944 was the radon Normandy. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: bgnosis@isca.uiowa.edu (Billy Gnosis) Q:What does what does the Lone Ranger say to his horse? A:HIOAg, away! C__________________________________________________________________________ From: ts@uwasa.fi (Timo Salmi) Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: kkociba@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Keith J Kociba) Chemists are the *cleanest* people you'll ever meet... they wash their hands even *before* they go to the restroom! C__________________________________________________________________________ From: a94petbe@ida.his.se (Peter Bengtsson) Chemistry is really funny, there are even people who laugh at Nitrogen(I)Oxide. (You will have to know some chemistry to understand this :-) From: cgra@se.alcbel.be (Chris Gray) Or Nitrogen Triiodide??? C__________________________________________________________________________ From: wmoon@jupiter.uucp (Woo Moon) Q:What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin? A:You can't make a vitamin.... (take your time..) C__________________________________________________________________________ From: "Lev A. Gorenstein" Anyway, I think this is a good idea. Here's my contribution. These are "crazy phrases" from some works on several Moscow city and regional high-school chemistry olympiads (I've been a member of the Organizing Committee for them for a number of years and I really miss this now). By the way, if anybody knows about similar things here in the US (and Indiana in particular) - I will be gratefull. Unfortunately, all of these citations are in Russian (obviously ;-) and, what is much worse, most of them are unexpected (for their authors) puns, which are impossible (at least for me) to translate (some of these puns were just great, all the Orginizing Committee was rolling on the floor in tears ;-). I found only several phrases allowing translation (not best pearls, unfortunately...): [For the question: "Why H2S is a poison for us?"] : "H2S reacts with the iron in hemoglobin, forming an insoluble FeS, thus causing the oxygen deficiency" (there were some variants like Fe2S, Fe2S3, Fe2S2... But - isn't it a good idea, especially taking into account that it was in the work of a 13 years old guy?) [for the question: "Why lead compounds are poisons for us?"] : a) "Lead ions make sugar in the blood poisoned" b) "After Pb2+ gets in the stomach, since there is the Cl- in the stomach juice, the reaction Pb2+ + 2Cl- ---> PbCl2 (s) occurs, and the unsoluble PbCl2 precipitates into the stomach, thus distorting food digestion" "Also the produced hydrogen is a gas with nasty smell" [At the end of the work] : "Damn, done!" "When AgNO3 reacts with NH4Cl, there forms the precipitate kind of white and Ag salt" (Everywhere I tried to translate it equivalently to it's Russian prototype, saving the grammar mistakes and style ;-) [For the problem "Find mistakes in the following procedure of preparation of diluted H2SO4: .... "] : a) For preparation of diluted (strictly - solution) sulfuric acid one must not use concentrated H2SO4. b) There is no such thing as "volumetric flask" c) The mixture of ice and table salt DOESN'T EXIST! "Ice and NaCl mixture? Crap! The ice would momentarily melt because of NaCl!" "To the sulfuric acid one must add water, but not water to sulfuric acid" [The following was on the VERY weak work (it happened that the teacher said to pupils : "You won't get a good grade unless you go to the olympiads" and sometimes there was just a bunch of people who were not interested in chemistry and had came only "to be marked good" in teacher's eyes). They were starving there, because they were unable to solve any problem, they couldn't leave because of a teacher, and they had to entertain themselves. But how? Probably the oldest way to entertain oneself is to write something nasty to somebody else (also proved by recent anonymous posting about grad. schools ;-). Ok, enough theory, I explained the joke, you may start laughing here :-) Okh, one more explanation: "pud" is an old Russian wieght unit, equals 16 kg: "Don't have enough sake to find the mass % without calculator. That is why: It's better eat a "pud" of shit, Than solve your chemistry, damn it!" (this was rhymed! We thought about making this verse an unofficial slogan of our Committee ;-) Will check in my books about any funny chem. experiments. Regards to all, would like to see other responces. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: gardner@sun.lclark.edu (Gillian Gardner) Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much? A: They're cheaper than day rates. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: jpauer@mtu.edu (JAMES PAUER) First law of Laboratorics: Hot glass and cold glass look alike! From: "Alex Paolo A. Borromeo II" C__________________________________________________________________________ What element do women use to get dates ? Tellurium What did the chemist say to a chic babe when he passed by her in his sports car ? Radon baby ! C__________________________________________________________________________ From: jpark@eis.calstate.edu (John Park) From: flatter@rose-hulman.edu (Neil Flatter) What does one do with a dead body? Barium They should have seen the doctor first, he'd Curium. Perhaps with a housplant, a Germanium. And if they stole it, the police would Cesium. Locked up for life, in Irons. They would go crazy in jail, a Silicon. Maybe their into plastic surgery. What does the surgeon do for low cheeks, Lithium. To large gashes? Sodium. Tooth in water glass is a one molar soln. Like BaNa2, name IOAg. I O Silver. Rabbit like paired electrons on an ether, ether bunny. And your aunt Ester and her husband Al K Hall. From: nuke@netcom.com (Bill Newcomb) With music by Al D. Hyde and the Ace Tones... Where does one put the dishes? Zinc What does one do if one can't zwim? Zinc Name BaNa2. banana Draw a 1,4 compound of benzene with two dice. Name it. Paradice Also done w/ MD for paramedic Done as 1,2 w/ DDS for orthodontist. 1,3 and physics, metaphysics. Draw benzene with a Mercedes symbol single bonded to the uppermost carbon. Name it. Mercedes benzene. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: bill.considine@execnet.com (BILL CONSIDINE) From C&E News (1/9/95 p.48): What's a cation afraid of? A dogion! C__________________________________________________________________________ From: naight@MCS.COM (Nathan Parker) Remember that without t Chemistry, Nothing would exist! C__________________________________________________________________________ From: lanzi@inland.com Q:What do you get when you combine [insert a person] with O2? A:Oxymoron C__________________________________________________________________________ From: http://www.circus.com/~no_dhmo/ BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE! THE INVISIBLE KILLER Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death. Dihydrogen monoxide: * is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain. * contributes to the "greenhouse effect." * may cause severe burns. * contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape. * accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals. * may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes. * has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients. CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS! Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage. Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used: * as an industrial solvent and coolant. * in nuclear power plants. * in the production of styrofoam. * as a fire retardant. * in many forms of cruel animal research. * in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical. * as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products. Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer! THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED! The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use. IT'S NOT TOO LATE! Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know CAN hurt you and others throughout the world. Send email to no_dhmo@circus.com, or a SASE to: Coalition to Ban DHMO 211 Pearl St. Santa Cruz CA, 95060 C__________________________________________________________________________ WATER FAQ Version 0.5b - June 4, 1994 This file is intended to answer typical questions about Water to reduce traffic on alt.drugs. This FAQ is continually maintained; new information about Water should be mailed to "csk@eecs.nwu.edu". CONTENTS 1) What is Water? 2) Is Water dangerous? 3) Can I put Water in my bong? 4) A FOAF got some laced Water. How frequently does this happen? 5) How is Water synthesized? 6) Is homebrewed "bathtub" Water as effective as "the real thing?" 7) What is 'kind' Water? 8) Are there different types of Water? 9) What is the LD50 of Water? A1) Descriptions of Water 'trips' A2) Street Prices, June 3, 1994 A3) International Legality Update A4) List of Contributors ANSWERS 1) What is Water? Water, W, Hot Ice, Liquid Crystal... all these "street" terms refer to the same substance, known chemically as H20. Water is a highly addictive and toxic chemical, which in its natural state is completely odorless, tasteless, and clear. 2) Is Water dangerous? Yes. A scientific survey recently concluded that every creature on earth contains Water, and almost every creature imbibes more during its life. Moreover, every animal that has ever ingested this substance has invariably tried to get more. Organisms unable to get more Water show signs of withdrawal, or "dehydration," and eventually die. Organisms that ingest more Water inevitably die anyway. Aside from the biological considerations, remember that Water is composed of Hydrogen and Oxygen, which are used together as rocket fuel. Enough cannot be said about the volatile nature of this chemical. 3) Can I put Water in my bong? Mixing drugs is never recommended, but if you must attempt this, note the following: - Water acts as a coolant and filter. You are likely to get larger, smoother hits than normal. - Water may actually blend into the smoke, imparting its own qualities to the hit. - Water may splash up and get in your mouth. Yuck. 4) A FOAF got some laced Water. How frequently does this happen? Almost all Water contains some contaminants. Generally, since Water has no taste or odor, the presence of either of these may indicate foreign substances. Water is so strong, and so cheap to produce, that the story of the dealer who dusted his grass to make it salable doesn't really apply. 5) How is Water synthesized? The simplest synthesis is as follows: -Fill a pot from the kitchen tap. -Boil for fifteen minutes. The Water is now suitable for ingestion. Steve J. Quest gives a more involved recipe yielding a higher-grade intoxicant: Preparation of Hydrogen Oxide (Water) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An Erlenmeyer flask is first filled with a few grams of zinc metal chips and is then fitted with a two hole rubber stopper. A thistle tube is introduced through one hole and pushed to a level where the end of the tube is just above the zinc chips. A rubber tube is introduced through the other hole and connected to a horizontal copper pipe filled with loose fitting chunk cupric oxide. The other end of the copper pipe is connected to a Liebig condenser mounted in a distilling fashion (open end pointing down) which is suspended above a capture beaker. A bunsen flame is placed under the cupric oxide reaction pipe, and any kind of cold liquid is allowed to circulate through the condenser. (some would use cold tap Water, but I can not recommend that procedure here due to legalities involved.) Sufficient quantities of concentrated sulfuric acid are then introduced through the thistle tube to completely cover the zinc chips to a level ABOVE the end of the thistle tube. Condensation will start to occur within the condenser and run out into the beaker. The crude product represents a technical grade of hydrogen oxide, suitable for recreational purposes. The reaction sequence is as follows: Zn + H2SO4 -> ZnSO4 + H2 H2 + CuO -> Cu + H2O 6) Is homebrewed "bathtub" Water as effective as "the real thing?" In the author's opinion, "bathtub" Water ("slosh") will never be able to compete with legendary types like Owsley, Naya, and Perrier, but there is of course a certain satisfaction in synthesizing your own. 7) What is 'kind' Water? According to Peter McDermott: There are actually two major kinds. 'Soft' Water and 'Hard' Water. The 'soft' Water does less damage (to kettles, pipes, etc.) but the hard Water is a better hit. Some people argue that there is something called a 'gatevalve' syndrome, where some people who begin on the relatively harmless 'soft' Water are likely to escalate to the hard stuff. However, this isn't true of every body. Personally, I've been drinking soft Water for years without ever trying anything harder. 8) Are there different types of Water? Christopher K. Koenigsberg explains: There are apparently variations in the chemical makeup of W sold in stores, so someone should look into this for the FAQ (W's still available over the counter, no prescription necessary, not yet regulated by the FDA, nor scheduled by the DEA, I guess? How much longer before they catch on? Maybe we should be more cautious and not talk about it so openly, before they start having congressional hearings or something?) For example I've seen W labelled "Steam Distilled" but on the same shelf also seen W labelled "Drinking Water" and even "Spring Water", and a more expensive kind for Babies (yes they are even hooking innocent infants) and there may or may not be differences beyond just the labels and packaging. There are variations in the price even for the same kind of stuff, the local store brand is always the cheapest, regional "Artesian Wells" etc. are more expensive, and the imported kind is most expensive. There are vending machines outside some grocery stores (hey! you don't even have to show an ID to prove your age!) which will disburse W either Distilled or for Drinking, into your own choice of unlabelled container (so you can pretend it's something else). And the Drinking kind supposedly has mineral additives. I don't know if this is Strychnine, among the additives, which maybe causes the cramps when you drink too much, too fast, or too cold.... but I hear that's just a myth. 9) What is the LD50 of Water? TOXICITY DATA REC-WMN LDLO:180 GM/KG/28H JAMAAP 104,1569,35 IPR-MUS LD50:190 GM/KG NTIS** AD628-313 IVN-MUS LD50:25 GM/KG MIVRA6 8,320,74 REVIEWS, STANDARDS, AND REGULATIONS NOHS 1974: HZD M1000; NIS 561; TNF 436805; NOS 294; TNE 7313166 NOES 1983: HZD M1000; NIS 500; TNF 313467; NOS 324; TNE 8785413; TFE 3032116 EPA GENETOX PROGRAM 1988, INCONCLUSIVE: B SUBTILIS REC ASSAY EPA TSCA CHEMICAL INVENTORY, JUNE 1990 EPA TSCA TEST SUBMISSION (TSCATS) DATA BASE, JANUARY 1993 ADDITIONAL INFORMATION LD50 4180 MG/KG ( ) ( ) > 99999 MG/KG (IPR-MUS) CHRONIC EFFECTS OTHER HEALTH HAZARDS PRIMARY INFECTIONS OF CYTOMEGALOVIRUS (CMV) ARE USUALLY ASYMPTOMATIC BUT IN RARE CASES, SUBSEQUENT INFECTIONS MAY CAUSE MONONUCLEOSIS-LIKE DISEASE. CMV CAN ALSO RESULT IN LATENT INFECTIONS AND HAS BEEN IMPLICATED IN CERTAIN TYPES OF CANCER. This is of course in mice and may not apply directly to humans. W can be very dangerous, so play nice and be safe. APPENDIX 1: Descriptions of Water 'trips' and usage Kevin Jernigan, alt.drugs #85634: I drank Water for the first time at a party last night, and it was great!! Some of my friends who do W told me about the experience earlier, but I now realize that it was beyond my wildest expectations. I was a little bit scared, at first, because I heard about some of the bad side effects that it can cause. A few people said they choked on it, and one guy said that he dribbled it all over his clothes and got them wet. Luckily, none of these things happened to me. They started passing glasses around to everyone and I decided to take one The Water was very clear in color. They said it was scored from a guy who got it from a spring in Canada. I don't know whether it was really Canadian Water, but it was definitely good quality, judging by the color. I used about 500g of it. When I put the glass up to my mouth, and swallowed, the first sensation I felt was of something wet traveling down my throat. This sensation started before I had even removed the glass from my mouth. I was able to achieve the same feeling again, by taking another swallow. As the trip progressed, I noticed several other things. The W produced a state of mind that I believe could best be described as a lack of thirst. The trip didn't last for very long, but I think that it would be safe to say that the experience gave me some important insights into my consciousness. Chief among these, is the realization that Water can relieve thirst. Ray Mialki, email contribution: Although I don't partake, some of my neighbours down quite a bit of the stuff, filling swimming pools and such. I use it in great moderation, not even having an outside hose spigot to wash the car with. Daily showers seem to be my habitual use. Peter McDermott, alt.drugs #unknown: A recent major survey (n=1) has showed that Water addiction runs in families. At present, NIDA funded scientists are working flat out on the genesis of this crippling condition. Unlike other addictions, W abuse is believed to affect all sections of society, rich and poor alike. However, scientists have discovered that a gene may well be responsible for a predisposition to drinking W. Although 12 step 'W' recovery programmes have been around for some time now, major cities have begun to witness a growth in self-help programs for Adult Children of Waterholics. "Henry" is a member of such a group. "Well, I've just got so much rage about this, y'know? I was never able to confront them about it at the time. I thought that drinking Water was normal. Now I'm angry. Ours is a sick culture. The French would never dream of exposing their children to 'W' at dinner. There, the kids go from breast milk to wine. But every single day, there it was, sitting at the dinner table in front of me. Of course, they wouldn't let me have any, but after watching them do it, I saw where they got it from. I began sneaking to the tap, and taking a sip. Before I knew where I was I was into the hard stuff - you know, Water sports. Baths, showers, stuff like that. Well, eventually, I hit bottom. I out in town and the craving came on me and I found myself licking it up from puddles. Then it was toilet bowls. There are no wells too deep for the 'W' addict. So I went and got help. I've been in recovery for like.. 3 days now, but I wasn't making any progress. Then my therapist told me about A CoW and since then, it's been nothing but milk. And not mother's milk either..." However, not everybody accepts that 'W' use is a problem. 'Mary' has been using 'W' for a month now. She feels that the dangers of 'W' have been much exaggerated. "It's all propaganda, isn't it? I've been doing 'W' for ages now, and it's just a bit of a buzz, innit. It's harmless man. There isn't a single study that *proves* 'W" has any effect on the bladder, and as for people who say it makes you piss. Well, they are just dirty minded. As I said, I've been doing 'W' for a month, and I've never had a piss, ever. We've started a pressure group called 'Fair Play for Water' and it's our aim to force the government to tell the truth about 'W'. If there are risks, tell us what they are, and how we can minimize them. Prohibition doesn't work. The government knows that. Why else would they have repealed the laws against heroin and cocaine? Unfortunately, there are political careers to be made out of that issue. Vote Libertarian. Privatise the Water companies. Stop all government regulation of Water now!!!! APPENDIX 2: Street Prices, June 4, 1993 Chicago, IL, North Shore Area -Typical Naya, $1 US per liter. Springdale Township, Pennsylvania $5 per 1000 gallons. APPENDIX 3: International Legality Update In Europe W is becoming something of a threat real fast. I myself have witnessed tourists trying to score W desperately the last couple of hot days here this week. As of yet there is no shortage of W, but I've heard that in Greece it's getting scary. The police are starting to recognise this situation and have called for more forces on the street, weeding out W-pushers and sentencing them to severe punishments straight away! APPENDIX 4: Contributors Kevin Jernigan (jkevin@mercury.aichem.arizona.edu) Chris Klausmeier (cklausme@jarthur.cs.hmc.edu) Ray Mialki (rm1g+@andrew.cmu.edu) Steve J. Quest (squest@moonwatcher.avrtech.com) Peter McDermott (peter@petermc.demon.co.uk) Christopher K. Koenigsberg (ckoenig@kimbark.uchicago.edu) And to all you whose headers got chopped, my apologies. CB_________________________________________________________________________ From Aliquotes Volume V Number vii July/97 (rogerb@microsoft.com) We present here actual excerpts from the Material Safety Data Sheets for water. J. T. BAKER INC. 222 RED SCHOOL LANE, PHILLISBURG, NJ 08865 WATER EFFECTIVE: 05/30/86 ISSUED: 06/20/86 ****************************** SECTION 1 - PRODUCT IDENTIFICATION ****************************** PRODUCT NAME: WATER FORMULA: H2O FORMULA WT: 18.00 CAS NO: ZC0110000 COMMON SYNOMYMS: DIHYDROGEN OXIDE PRODUCT CODES: 426,4219 ****************************** SECTION 5 - HEALT HAZARD DATA ****************************** TLV, STEL, AND PEL HAVE NOT BEEN ESTABLISHED FOR THIS PRODUCT. TOXITY: LD50 (IPR-MOUSE) (G/KG) - 190 LD50 (IV-MOUSE) (G/KG) - 25 CARCINOGENICITY: NTP: NO IARC: NO Z LIST: NO OSHA REG: NO EFFECTS OF OVEREXPOSURE NO EFFECTS OF OVEREXPOSURE WERE DOCUMENTED TARGET ORGANS NONE IDENTIFIED MEDICAL CONDITIONS GENERALLY AGGRAVATED BY EXPOSURE NONE IDENTIFIED ROUTES OF ENTRY NONE IDENTIFIED EMERGENCY AND FIRST AID PROCEDURES INGESTION: IF SWALLOWED AND THE PERSON IS CONSCIOUS, IMMEDIATELY GIVE LARGE AMOUNTS OF WATER. GET MEDICAL ATTENTION. INHALATION: IF A PERSON BREATHES IN LARGE AMOUNTS, MOVE THE EXPOSED PERSON TO FRESH AIR. GET MEDICAL ATTENTION. EYE CONTACT: IMMEDIATELY FLUSH WITH PLENTY OF WATER FOR AT LEAST 15 MINUTES. GET MEDICAL ATTENTION. SKIN CONTACT: IMMEDIATELY WASH WITH PLENTY OF SOAP AND WATER FOR AT LEAST 15 MINUTES. ****************************** SECTION VII - SPILL AND DISPOSAL PROCEDURES ****************************** STEPS TO BE TAKEN IN THE EVENT OF A SPILL OR DISCHARGE TAKE UP WITH SAND OR OTHER NONCOMBUSTIAL ABSORBENT MATERIAL AND PLACE INTO CONTAINER FOR LATER DISPOSAL. DISPOSAL PROCEDURE DISPOSE IN ACCORDANCE WITH ALL APPLICABLE FEDERAL, STATE, AND LOCAL ENVIRONMENTAL REGULATIONS ****************************** SECTION IX - STORAGE AND HANDLING PRECAUTIONS ****************************** SAF-T-DATA(*) STORAGE COLOR CODE: ORANGE (GENERAL STORAGE) SPECIAL PRECAUTIONS KEEP CONTAINER TIGHTLY CLOSED. SUITABLE FOR ANY GENERAL CHEMICAL STORAGE AREA. WATER IS CONSIDERED A NON-REGULATED PRODUCT, BUT MAY REACT VIGOROUSLY WITH SOME SPECIFIC MATERIALS. AVOID CONTACT WITH ALL MATERIALS UNTIL INVESTIGATION SHOWS SUBSTANCE IS COMPATIBLE. PROTECT FROM FREEZING. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: Brian McClain How many physical chemists does it take to wash a beaker? None. That's what organic chemists are for! C__________________________________________________________________________ From: kab4242@utxvms.cc.utexas.edu (Kevin Anthony Boudreaux) It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students we have flunked in chemistry for not knowing what we later found to be untrue. --quoted in Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile (1992) C__________________________________________________________________________ From: pkenny@titan.oit.umass.edu (Patrick M Kenny) Black Angus : Black Angus Black Angus : Texas Longhorn Black Angus : Brown Swiss ___________________________________________________ Homogeneous Catalyst : Heterogeneous Catalyst C__________________________________________________________________________ From: Erin Leonard (not:Mariella Wells) Merit Cartoon: (A man and a woman are sitting at a bar. One has a shirt saying 'Polar', the other, 'Non-polar.') Man: Sorry babe, I just don't think the chemistry is right. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: mykestan@csu.murdoch.edu.au (Myke Stanbridge) Q:What is the most chaste organic compound? A:Why, hexanitrosobenzene of course! C__________________________________________________________________________ From: (fortunes) Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my joules!" "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them in my burette ... We must call a copper." Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name of Lawrence Ium. "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" C__________________________________________________________________________ Physical Chemistry is research on everything for which the negative logaritm is linear with 1/T -- D.L. Bunker C__________________________________________________________________________ From: arpepper@math.uwaterloo.ca (Adrian Pepper) An Ironman Triathlon consists of a 2.4mile swim, a 112mile bicycle ride, and a full marathon run (26 miles, 385 yards). A Half-Ironman Triathlon consists of a 1.2mile swim, a 56mile bicycle ride, and a half marathon run (13 miles, 192 yards, one foot, six inches). Since Iron has atomic number 26, and alumin[i]um atomic number 13, would it be appropriate to describe Half-Ironman events as "Alumin[i]um Man" events? C__________________________________________________________________________ From: mpark@kean.ucs.mun.ca (Murray) Ok, here's one of my own...I ususally don't say anything quotable, but a couple of my lab-mates thought this was pretty funny at the time... Set up the quote: I am a synthetic inorganic chemistry student a Memorial University of Newfoundland, St. John's, Newfoundland, Canada. Our research group attempts to make interesting magnetic materials...not facile. After a full week of null results at the bench, I had just found that my most recent experiment had gone bust when a friend of mine walked in, finding me scratching my head in bewilderment. With tinted bottles of solvents and chemicals all around me, I just turned to him and said, "All of these pretty little brown bottles surround me...and NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THEM is filled with BEER." C__________________________________________________________________________ From: Martin Ystenes This reminds me of a story of two students who wanted to celebrate the long and light summer evening by fishing in their boat in the Norwegian fjord. But first they went to the lab, grabbed a bottle with the magic label 96%, and set off. After some time, the one said to the other: - I am afraid we have done something wrong. This is not ethanol, it is sulphuric acid. - I know. I have just peed a hole in he boat. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: CJHEMMIN@SCIENCE.uwaterloo.ca (Christopher Hemming) Q: How many physical chemists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but he'll change it three times, plot a straight line through the data, and then extrapolate to zero concentration. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: fc3a501@AMRISC04.math.uni-hamburg.de (Hauke Reddmann) How do you make a 24(??)-molar solution? Put you artificial teeth in water. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: pclarke@waite.adelaide.edu.au (Philip Clarke) Q: What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties? A: Methylated Spirits.... C__________________________________________________________________________ From: "\"Alan \\\"Uncle Al\\\" Schwartz\"" What do you call a fruit which is 97% ascorbic acid? A Pauling. (appalling) C__________________________________________________________________________ From: chngch@singnet.com.sg (Darren Chng) This is a true event............. IT'S OFFICIAL : CHEMISTRY LECTURES ARE A YAWN. (9. Oct 95) A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years -- chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates. Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR -- "head-to-floor distance reduction." After about an hour , the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous. The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: "And in conclusion............" C__________________________________________________________________________ From: "Anthony M. Becker" I saw one of those monster chemicals attacking a woman and shouting her name; he kept screaming "Die, Ethyl!" That's radical, dude. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: MOHAMMED CHUNGGAZE i was helping out in a first year undergraduate practical class when i came across a girl who i thought maybe washing Potassium Bromide plates under the tap. i said to her 'i hope you are not washing those plates under the tap' she replied: 'NO..i,m using distilled water' !!!! C__________________________________________________________________________ From: mdecaire@eagle.wbm.ca (Marc Guy DeCaire) Did you hear about the industrialist who had a huge chloroform spill at his factory? His business went insolvent. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: mkastela@jagor.srce.hr (The MACAN Family) And why does white bear melt in water? Because it's polar. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: Dave Arnold What is Na2O7? Ans: Borax (Na2 before O7) C__________________________________________________________________________ From: AWJimC@aol.com (Jim Cummins) During a final exam in inorganic chem lab at Columbia, maybe forty years ago, we were all handed a dry powder and told we had three hours to determine what was in it. We knew how to do it, too. All except for one poor guy, the best student in the class, whose sample had become a carbonized bubbling mess that stank up the whole rest of the room. The instructors hung around the fringe of the room barely hiding their glee. They let the poor dupe agonize for nearly an hour, as he watched his attempts to ace the course turn to goo before his eyes, before they revealed that his sample had been an ounce of Betty Crocker Fudge Brownie Baking Mix. They told him later that they would have excused him entirely from the final exam, but that they just could not resist the opportunity. Note for non-americans: Betty Crocker is an imaginary woman in an apron, the symbol of a huge food-products chain. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: Ian Ellis ON A CHEMISTRY TEST at Midpark High School in Middleburg Heights, Ohio, one question concerned how to clean the floor after a chemical-powder spill. In detail, I described the liquid I would combine with the powder in order to dissolve it with chemical bonding and electron transfer. I was pleased with my grasp of molecular structure until the exams were handed back. Our teacher asked another student to read her answer. She suggested a broom and a dustpan to sweep up the spill -- and got full credit. --Contributed to "Tales Out of School" by Joe Astorino (c) 1996 The Reader's Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: Ian Ellis DURING my freshman biology class at North High School in Springfield, Ohio, our teacher was lecturing on the conditions in which bacteria exist. Elaborating on the acidic environment where certain bacteria thrive, he suggested a simple experiment. "I want you to drop a nail into a glass of Coke or Pepsi, and then observe the acidic reaction on the nail," he said. The girl sitting next to me raised her hand and asked in all seriousness, "Do you mean a real nail, or a press-on?" --Contributed to "Tales Out of School" by Carolyn Stickney (c) 1996 The Reader's Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: "V. ROGERS" This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water. Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium. She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action. 'It will give me time to get away' said the professor. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: adwohlwi@uic.edu (Arthur Wohlwill) I was going to make up a buffer, but I was out of Potassium Chloride. Oh, well as they say K Cl, Cl. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: fmjones@gate.cybernex.net (Fred Jones) You mean you haven't heard about that fatty acid ester, ethyl palpitate, and the synthetic procedure, how to make ethyl palpitate?? C__________________________________________________________________________ From: outlier@ix.netcom.com (Ray Redd) Q:How do you get lean molecules? A:Feed them titrations. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: Donny Wibisono "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." C__________________________________________________________________________ From: bpc@netcom.com (Benjamin P. Carter) How about the chemical workers--are they unionized? ;) C__________________________________________________________________________ From: cblair@thenet.co.uk (Christopher J Blair) Another example is the name for a molecule that is not ionized. Is "unionized" a synonym for neutral? From: wpenrose@interaccess.com (William R. Penrose) No, it means they will stop carrying a charge until they get more money. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: thweatt@prairie.nodak.edu (Superdave the Wonderchemist) My favorite has always been uranyl acetate is it pronounced "yur-AYN-ul" or "YUR-u-nil"? The pronunciation makes a big difference. For those of you in the UK try uranyl arsenate. Of course you can try uranyl uranate, but that would be anatomically incorrect (or at least wierd). Is PoO4(2-) polonate? If so is it necessary for plant reproduction? What about GeO3(2-), is that germinate? If so is it necessary for agriculture as well? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ =3.1 CHEMISTRY POETRY C__________________________________________________________________________ From: Colin Murtagh Johnny saw some dynamite Couldn't understand it quite But curiosity never pays It rained Johnny for seven days. CB_________________________________________________________________________ From: adamb@bgumail.bgu.ac.il (Adam Bernard) A mosquito cried out in pain: "A chemist has poisoned my brain!" The cause of his sorrow was para-dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane [paraDichloroDiphenylTrichloroethane is the the full name for DDT] C__________________________________________________________________________ David Smillie: Little Willie was a chemist. Little Willie is no more. For what he thought was H2O, Was H2SO4. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: Mail@scri.sari.ac.uk Poor old Brown is dead and gone His face you'll see no more For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: Mario Zlatovic Little Lucy in the lab Lies dead on the floor 'Cause what she taught was H2O Was realy H2SO4. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: hjiwa@nor.chevron.com Canonical List Of Holiday Humor From: grandish@kits.sfu.ca (Gavin Lee Grandish) Chemistry Christmas Carols 1. The Chemistry Teacher's Coming To Town 2. I'm Dreaming Of A White Precipitate 3. Silent Labs 4. Deck The Labs 5. The Twelve Days Of Chemistry (2x) 6. Test Tubes Bubbling 7. O Little Melting Particle 8. We Wish You A Happy Halogen 9. Chemistry Wonderland 10. I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine 11. O Come All Ye Gases 12. We Three Students Of Chemistry Are 13. Iron The Red Atom Molecule 14. Lab Reports 15. Silver nitrate 1. The Chemistry Teacher's Coming to Town You better not weigh You better not heat You better not react I'm telling you now The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town. He's collecting data He's checking it twice He's gonna find out The heat of melting ice The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town. He sees you when you're decanting He knows when you titrate He knows when you are safe or not So wear goggles for goodness sake. Oh, you better not filter And drink your filtrate You better not be careless and spill your precipitate. The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town. 2. I'm Dreaming of a White Precipitate I'm dreaming of a white precipitate just like the ones I used to make Where the colors are vivid and the chemist is livid to see impurities in the snow. I'm dreaming of a white precipitate with every chemistry test I write May your equations be balanced and right and may all your reactions be bright. 3. Silent Labs Silent labs, difficult labs All with math, all with graphs Observations of colors and smells Calculations and graph curves like bells Memories of tests that have past Oh, how long will chemistry last? Silent labs, difficult labs All with math, all with graphs Lots of equations that need balancing Gas pressure problems that make my head ring Santa Chlorine's on his way Oh, Please Santa bring me an 'A'. 4. Deck the Labs Deck the labs with rubber tubing Fa la la la la, la la la la. Use your funnel and your filter Fa la la la la, la la la la. Don we now our goggles and aprons Fa la la la la, la la la la. Before we go to our lab stations Fa la la la la, la la la la. Fill the beakers with solutions Fa la la la la, la la la la. Mix solutions for reactions Fa la la la la, la la la la. Watch we now for observations Fa la la la la, la la la la. So we can collect our data Fa la la la la, la la la la. 5. The Twelve Days of Chemistry On the first day of chemistry My teacher gave to me A candle from Chem Study. (second day) two asbestos pads (third day) three little beakers (fourth day) four work sheets (fifth day) five golden moles (sixth day) six flaming test tubes (seventh day) seven unknown samples (eighth day) eight homework problems (ninth day) nine grams of salt (tenth day) a ten page test (eleventh day) eleven molecules (twelfth day) a twelve point quiz From: shaffer@morpheus.cis.yale.edu (Wendy Shaffer) Just thought I'd post this little carol, which I wrote to celebrate succesfully completing a recent Quantum Chemistry exam. Enjoy... 5b: On the first day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: An exam in Quantum Chemistry. On the second day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: a double integral and an exam in Quantum Chemistry. On the third day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: three orbitals, a double integral, and an exam in Quantum Chemistry. On the fourth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: four harmonic oscillators, three orbitals, etc. On the fifth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: Five Hermitian Operators! Four harmonic ocillators, three orbitals, etc. On the sixth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: six spin-orbit couplings, etc. On the seventh day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: seven basis functions, etc. On the eighth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: eight time dependent perturbations, etc. On the ninth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: nine Slater determinants, etc. On the tenth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: ten electrons tunneling, etc. On the eleventh day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: eleven photons emitting, etc. On the twelfth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: 12 fermions exchanging, etc. 6. Test Tubes Bubbling (to the tune of "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire") Test tubes bubbling in a water bath Strong smells nipping at ypur nose. Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglow Will find it hard to be inert tonight. They know that Chlorine's on its way He's loaded lots of little electrons on his sleigh And every student's slide rule is on the sly To see if the teacher really can multiply. And so I offer you this simple phrase To chemistry students in this room Although it's been said many times, many ways Merry molecules to you. 7. O Little Melting Particle (to the tune of "O Little Town Of Bethlehem") Para Dichloro Benzene how do you melt so well? The plateau of your cooling curve is really something swell. We think the heat of fusion of water is so nice Give up fourteen hundred cals per mole and what you get is ice. 8. We Wish You a Happy Halogen We wish you a happy halogen We wish you a happy halogen We wish you a happy halogen To react with a metal. Good acid we bring to you and your base. We wish you a merry molecule and a happy halogen. 9. Chemistry Wonderland Gases explode, are you listenin' In your rest tube, silver glistens A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight Walking in a chemistry wonderland. Gone away, is the buoyancy Here to stay, is the density A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight Walking in a chemistry wonderland. In the beaker we will make lead carbonate and decide if what's left is nitrate My partner asks "Do we measure it in moles or grams?" and I'll say, "Does it matter in the end?" Later on, as we calculate the amount, of our nitrate We'll face unafraid, the precipitates that we made walking in a chemistry wonderland. 10. I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine under the chemistree last night They didn't sneak me down the periodic chart to take a peek At all the atoms reacting in their beakers; it was neat. And I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine under the chemistree so bright Oh what a reaction there would have been if the principal had walked in With teacher kissing Santa Chlorine last night. 11. O Come All Ye Gases O Come all yea gases diatomic wonders O come yea, o come yea calls Avogadro. O come yea in moles 6 x 10 to the 23rd O molar mass and molecules O volume, pressure and temperature O molar volume of gases at S.T.P. 12. We Three Students Of Chemistry Are We three students of chemistry are taking tests that we think are hard Stoichiometry, volumes and densities worrying all the time. O room of wonder room of fright Room of thermites blinding light: With your energies please don't burn us Help us get our labs all right. 13. Iron the Red Atom Molecule (to the tune of "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer") There was Cobalt and Argon and Carbon and Fluorine Silver and Boron and Neon and Bromine But do you recall the most famous element of all? Iron the red atom molecule had a very shiny orbital And if you ever saw him You'd enjoy his magnetic glow All of the other molecules used to laugh and call him Ferrum They never let poor Iron join in any reaction games. Then one inert Chemistry eve Santa came to say Iron with your orbital so bright won't you catalyze the reaction tonight? Then how the atoms reacted and combined in twos and threes Iron the red atom molecule you'll go down in Chemistry! 14. Lab Reports (to the tune of "Jingle Bells") Dashing through the lab with a tan page lab report Taking all those tests and laughing at them all Bells for fire drills ring making spirits bright What fun it is to laugh and sing a chemistry song tonight. Oh, lab report, lab reports, reacting all the way Oh what fun it is to study for a chemistry test today, Hey! Chemistry test, chemistry test isn't it a blast Oh what fun it is to take a chemistry test and pass. 15. Silver Nitrate (to the tune of "Silver Bells") Silver nitrate, silver nitrate it's chemistry time in the lab Ding-a-ling, with a copper ring soon it will be chemistry day. Take your nitrate, in solution Add your copper with style In the beaker there's a feeling of reactions silver forming, blue solution Bringing ooh's ah's and wows now the data procesing begins. Get the mass, change to moles what is the ratio with copper? Write an equation, balance it we're glad it's Chemistry Day. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: monroem@UWYO.EDU (Matt Monroe) CHEMISTRY CHRISTMAS 'Twas the night before Christmas, The lab was quite still; Not a Bunsen was burning (Nor had they the will). The test tubes were placed In their racks with great care, In hopes Father Chemistry Soon would be there. The students were sleeping So sound in their dorms, All dreaming of fluids And Crystalline forms. Lab-Aids in their aprons And I in my smock. When outside the lab There arose such a roar I leaped from my stool And fell flat on the floor. Out ot the fire escape All of us flew. What was the commotion? Not one of knew. The flood-lights shone out O're the campus so bright It looked like old Stockholm On Nobel Prize Night. My fume-blinded eyes Then viewed (dare I say?) Eight anions pulling A water-trough sleigh. And holding the bonds Tied to each one of them Was a figure I knew As our own Papa Chem. With speeds in excess Of most X-rays they came. As they Dopplered along He called each one by name. "Now Nitrite, now Phosphate, Now Borate, now Chloride On Citrate, on Bromate, On Sulfite and Oxide. Forget what you know Of that randomness stuff, Let's go straight to that roof, If you've quanta enough." As fluids Bernoullian Behave in a pinch, Those ions said "Alchemist This is a cinch." So up to the lab-roof Those "chargers" they sped With Pop Chemistry safe In his water-trough sled. Just a microsec later Electroscopes showed Charged particles coming To our lab abode We raced back inside, And what d'ya think? Down the fume-hood Pop Chem fell, Right into the sink. He was dressed in a lab-coat, Quite ragged and old, With removable buttons (The style, we're told) A tray-full of beakers He clutched to his heart-- And under his arm Was an orbital chart. His eyes through his goggles I just couldn't see His hands were all yellow From H-N-O-3. His head was quite bald With a fringe all around Like a ring test for iron, That same shade of brown. He puffed a cigar With a smell not at all Unlike the organic lab Right down the hall. The smoke billowed forth From his angular face And with Brownian Movement Enveloped the place. He was thin as a match And not terribly tall He wasn't the type I'd expected at all But a look at his clothes, In the lab's harsh white light, With their acid-burn holes-- He's a chemist all right! He didn't say much (He had no time to kill) And filled all the test tubes With nary a spill. Then placing them bak On the benches with care He dashed to the fume-hood And rose through the air. He called to his team And his ions took off And kinetics took care Of Pop Chem and his trough, But I heard him cry out As he flew down the street "Merry Holidays to all! May your stockrooms stay neat!" C__________________________________________________________________________ From: awillis@ix.netcom.com (al willis) Orig. Al Willis The professor talked much about Rhodium, And then he expounded on Sodium. His arms he did flail, Until he turned pale, And then he fell off of the podium. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: Werner Haelg Chemist's fast prayer: Dear Lord, if I mix sodium with concentrated HNO3, and add to it Plutonium, would you take care on me? C__________________________________________________________________________ From: pp002759@interramp.com (Richard Rateick, Jr.) I had a brand new beaker once its gone beyond recall for all the glass and pieces are embeded in the wall. -- Frey (sp?) Scientific Catalogue, ca. 1978. C__________________________________________________________________________ From: Rose_Adrienne@msn.com (Rose Shlachtman) A mosquito was heard to complain That a chemist had poisoned his brain The cause of his sorrow Was paradichloro Diphenyltrichloroethane. C__________________________________________________________________________ mini-air: Dr. Robert Stein sent us an essay about his adventures with pharmaceutical sales representatives. After lamenting that the drug companies no longer offer him free vacations to Hawaii, he concluded with this heart-rending flourish: The rep from the drug company Offers gifts that are no use to me. Of that junk do me spare! Give me one year of AIR! Till you do, go away! Let me be! C__________________________________________________________________________ From: Dave Arnold "Little Willie from the mirror Licked the mercury off. Thinking in his childish error It would cure his whooping cough. At the funeral, Willie's mother Smartly said to Mrs. Brown "Twas a chilly day for Willie When the mercury went down." Anon +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ =3.2 CHEMISTRY QUOTES C__________________________________________________________________________ "Every attempt to employ mathematical methods in the study of chemical questions must be considered profoundly irrational and contrary to the spirit of chemistry.... if mathematical analysis should ever hold a prominent place in chemistry -- an aberration which is happily almost impossible -- it would occasion a rapid and widespread degeneration of that science." -- Auguste Comte, Cours de philosophie positive, 1830 C__________________________________________________________________________ From: "Brenda L. Carroll" BUCKY BALL QUOTATIONS: "If it ain't tubes, we don't do it." -Richard Smalley, ACS Fullerene Satelite-Link Talk "We'd like to make it [bucky fiber] in a continuous fiber, roll it on a drum, and go fishing with it." -Richard Smalley, more of the same... C__________________________________________________________________________ From: "Brenda L. Carroll" "Chemistry is all about getting lucky..." -Robert Curl C__________________________________________________________________________ From: kab4242@utxvms.cc.utexas.edu (Kevin Anthony Boudreaux) It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students we have flunked in chemistry for not knowing what we later found to be untrue. --quoted in Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile (1992) C__________________________________________________________________________ From: scutchen@phoenix.phoenix.net (Steve Cutchen) Stephen Wright: (Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody! They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...(picks up his glass of water from the stool)...I like to live on the edge... I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++